


this is me trying

by ByAStream



Category: Black Widow (Movie 2020), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28541259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ByAStream/pseuds/ByAStream
Summary: You take a sudden leave of abscence to find yourself, leaving questions in your wake.
Relationships: Natasha Romanov/Reader, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 57





	this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Taylor Swift song
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: jbbarnesnnoble.tumblr.com

The shrill sound of an alarm blaring was quickly silenced. Sunlight streamed through the curtains as you rolled over, pulling your comforter over your head. There was no point in getting up, you thought. You were injured and off missions indefinitely until you recovered. The team was gone, off on several different missions. You had been alone for the better part of two weeks. 

Your injury had been your own fault. You’d be lying if you said you had tried to avoid it. Truth was, you hadn’t been feeling okay for some time. You signed up to save people. You didn’t sign up for the spotlight, for the photos and autographs. You hated it. You hated that you couldn’t go into the city with friends without speculation on your life. 

You hated that no matter how you felt about two of your teammates, it would never happen, not while you were in the spotlight, not without being branded with a scarlet letter when those two teammates were publicly and happily together. It played a role, albeit a small one, in where your headspace was. The pressure of being an Avenger was crushing you and the cracks were beginning to give way. 

“FRIDAY, is Fury available?” you asked when you finally roused from sleep. You knew a shower was overdue, but first, coffee was needed. 

“Yes agent. Shall I request an appointment?” the AI responded.

“Please. And see if Maria Hill is available,” you replied as you took a sip of your coffee. You headed to your room once finished, showering and putting on real clothes for the first time in several days. You had been living in your pajamas. You knew something had to change, something had to give, and you had an idea of what it was. You printed off the document from your laptop before heading to your appointment with Fury. 

You weren’t nervous. You weren’t. You knew Fury would say yes. You were overdue for a vacation. Except, you intended for this vacation to be permanent. When you entered the office, you slid the paper to Fury, who read it over with careful consideration as you sat down.

“A letter of resignation?” he asked, brow raised.

“Yes sir,” you replied. Maria took the letter from him, reading through it herself. By the time you left the office, you were no longer an active member of the team, a soft smile on your face and a twinge of sadness in your heart. 

You knew in your heart you needed to do this. You were teetering ever closer to the edge, that point of no return. You needed to leave before you hit that point. You told yourself it wasn’t forever as you packed a bag, leaving your room mostly untouched. It was a promise of return. But until then, you turned out the lights and walked out the door, the sun setting over the horizon behind you as you began your journey. 

* * *

Steve was anxious to get back and he knew he wasn’t alone in that feeling. Natasha hated leaving you behind with no one. Too much time for you to be left to your thoughts, to get trapped inside your own head. Therapy had helped you, but Natasha and Steve both worried about a backslide with the entire team out of the compound, leaving you to your own devices for over a week. 

Neither of them had made a move yet. They talked about it. They agonized over when to do it. But neither one of them had been willing to make that first move. The timing never seemed right. Steve worried the timing would never be right. They loved each other. And he was certain, they loved you. 

Natasha caught his eye as he glanced around the jet. If she was anxious, she wasn’t letting on, not like he was. 

“We’ll talk to her when we land. It will be fine,” Natasha said, placing her hand over his. Steve hoped she was right. You were the missing piece of the puzzle, they both knew it. 

It seemed like hours passed before they were landing at the compound, when in reality, it had only been a half hour. The sun had set and the darkness of night had set in. They had to debrief, but then? Then it would be time to talk to you. Natasha would deny that she felt nervous about that. This was different. This was you. 

  
Steve and Natasha looked at one another as they walked off the jet. If you weren’t on the mission, you would usually be there to greet them, unless you were on a mission of your own. It was routine. You weren’t on a mission, leaving them worried. 

The debriefing seemed to drag on, but the moment they were freed from that particular brand of torture, Steve was asking about you. He was stunned with the response, refusing to believe what he had heard. 

“She’s what?” Steve asked. There was no way what FRIDAY had told him was true.

“She resigned several days ago and left the compound as a civilian,” the AI repeated. Steve shared a look with Natasha, his heart breaking with each beat.

“Where did she go?” Natasha asked, her voice almost betraying her emotion. Natasha Romanoff had few weak spots. You were one of them.

“That information is classified, Agent Romanoff,” the AI replied. If Steve’s heart was breaking, Natasha’s was shattered. In that moment, she wasn’t sure what she was going to do. 

Your room was locked tight. Only Stark would be able to override the controls to the door and they both knew he wouldn’t. Not when everything around your departure was shrouded in secrecy, except for a letter, simply saying you needed time. 

Steve wondered where you were and what you were doing. Natasha wondered if they had said something sooner if you would have stayed. 

* * *

Three months. It had been three months since you left. You found yourself dipping your toes in the warm waters off the Florida coast after the sun had set. It was different from up north. Up north, the waters would be frigid with the winter chill. You had only been there a few weeks. You had spent time in Raleigh, taking in the North Carolina beauty as you made your way down the coast. You didn’t linger around the northeast. You didn’t want to be found. 

You thought about Steve, about Natasha. You had clued in to how they felt. No matter how much you wanted to tell them you felt the same way, you couldn’t drag them into your mess. You couldn’t bring yourself to feel like more of a burden. You knew it wasn’t healthy to think that way. Your therapist had spoken to you about that more than enough times. But it was a habit that was hard to break. 

Your therapist signed an ironclad NDA and none of your paperwork was kept on a computer. It wasn’t even under your real name. Fury had created an alias for you when you left, set you up with the funds you would need and the paperwork to do whatever it was your heart desired. There was a lot that could be done with a borrowed next generation photostatic veil and hair dye. One of your pet projects had been tinkering with the tech to make it suit your own purposes, like hiding from your team. 

Your phone rang, which was unusual. It was a burner phone, one only Fury had the number for. You would have to ditch it once you answered.

“Hello?” you asked upon answering.

“Your position has been compromised. Romanoff picked up a hit on social media in Key West,” he said. You swore under your breath. The one time you went without the photostatic veil because you thought it was safe enough.

“How long do I have?” you asked. 

“They depart in thirty minutes,” he said before hanging up. You cursed as you tossed the phone to the side. You had less than two hours. You hastily packed your bags and headed for the car you were going to have to ditch. At least it was a rental. 

As soon as you got to the mainland, you returned the car before heading to a known blind spot nearby the rental place, changing your clothes and your appearance the best you could, before putting on one of the few wigs you had. Maybe one day you’d want to be found, but you weren’t ready. Not yet. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve frowned as they cased the motel you had been staying at. It was where Natasha had picked up on your location. Inside the room the manager led them to, was a cellphone and a note. A note addressed to the two of them. 

“I know the two of you have questions. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to come back, and I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m not okay, but this is me trying to learn how to be. This is me trying to learn to love myself, to embrace myself. Please, stop looking. I care about you both, I care about our friends, but right now, I need to put myself first,” Natasha read.

“She knew we were coming,” Steve replied. 

“Someone tipped her off. The phone’s been wiped. She had a head start,” Natasha said. She knew you were in the wind. You would have been cautious in your departure, ensuring their trail that started in Key West, ended there too. 

And she was right. They managed to track your car to a rental lot on the mainland and hit a dead end. 

“What do we do now?” Steve asked.

“We wait,” Natasha replied, resigned to the fact that you didn’t want to be found. 

When you left, they had felt a need to find you. You weren’t doing okay and your departure had proven that. They had been worried about you for some time. It was Steve who had talked you into going to therapy, Natasha who was there with a cup of tea and a warm blanket after the rougher sessions. But that didn’t stop you from feeling lost, from feeling confined. It didn’t stop the doubts and loathing that clouded your mind. 

“What if she never comes home?” Steve asked. Natasha paused for a moment before taking his hand and looking at him.

“She will. She will,” Natasha said. 

* * *

Another month found you in Austin. Winter had long since set in, with spring on the horizon, though winter in the south didn’t bother you much. There was no snow to contend with, no below freezing temperatures. You found yourself wandering 6th Street, taking in the sights and sounds of the city.

You ducked into a P. Terry’s to grab a burger and fries before heading to the Capitol building to enjoy the unseasonably warm day. You had your next stops planned out to hit Arizona in time to see the Grand Falls in all their glory as the winter snow melted upstream and raised the height of the water heading to the falls. 

You had an old contact out that way, one who was more than happy to accompany you once you got there. It had been a long time since you’d seen them. Em was a civilian friend, one who you owed a lot to. The last time you had been lost, they were one who brought you back from the brink. It was an unbreakable bond forged in the cramped dorm room the two of you were forced to share during your first year of college, the kind of situation that would make or break a friendship. 

As you made yourself comfortable on the steps of the Capitol, your phone pinged with a message from her. You had made it a point to memorize her number long ago. The phone Fury had the number for wasn’t the same one you used to talk to Em and other friends to assure them you were still breathing. No. You refused to mix the two facets of your life together. It was too risky. 

_ Em: When are you planning on getting here? _

_ You: About a week and a half. I’m in Austin for a bit before I make my way to Arizona. Have some more things to explore. I went to NASA in Houston the other day. Did you know they have longhorns on the NASA campus?  _

_ Em: Are the longhorns the key to you realizing what you’ve known all along? _

_ You: Not this again _

_ Em: You can’t run from it forever, Kicks. At some point, you’re either going to burn yourself out running from it or you’ll woman up and make your way back home. And for your sake, I hope it’s the latter _

_ You: I need time _

_ Em: You’ve got time. I’m not going to rush you or tell you what to do, Kicks. Just know you’re loved, and I support you, 100%. You’ll find what you’re looking for. I know it _

You texted with them back and forth. Em was one of the few who would tell you how it was. They had given you the nickname Kicks the first time they had visited your hometown and saw you get into a fight with a guy you had graduated with. One swift kick to the groin and he was down. You managed to avoid getting into trouble, considering the guy was the one who started things. You had ended it. 

It was too early in the year for the Congress bats to be flying. But you had some ideas of things to do and see in Austin after a walk around the Capitol building. You’d head toward San Antonio and the Alamo in a few days, but in that moment, you were content to explore Austin and all it had to offer. 

As you wandered the city, your thoughts drifted. You thought about Steve and Natasha, about how they were doing, if they would want you when you eventually returned, if you ever did. You were still uncertain about that, on if you would ever be ready to go back to New York, to the team, to the two people you had started falling in love with before you left. 

You found your way to the water and found a bench, pulling out the journal you had been writing in since you left, now on your third one. You had a lot on your mind. 

_ March 5th- I left four months ago. I still don’t know if I am where I want to be. I’m trying. I am. When I left, I was aimless. I was hurting, feeling like I was alone in crowded rooms, screaming with no sound. I was clawing at a cage of my own making, desperate for escape. The past four months has been me trying to reconcile with myself, me trying to find myself in a tumultuous sea that doesn’t care if it pulls me down or spits me out.  _

_ I swam with dolphins in Florida. Spent Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Told myself I wouldn’t drink, but I did. Had the worst hangover I’d had since going shot for shot with Nat on a combination of vodka and Thor’s Asgardian mead a couple years ago. Mind you, after the shots of vodka, it only took one shot of the mead for both Nat and I to be gone. I’ve been trying to remember moments like those, the carefree ones before the darkness crept in.  _

_ Dr. LeVeaux-Coulter thinks I’m doing better. I went off my medication at the end of January with her blessing. It's been a learning curve. The good days are outnumbering the bad. She has me checking in with her more often since I went off my medication fully. She’s happy with the progress I made. We talked a bit about the future last session, a topic I’ve stayed far away from for so long. I used to think, what was the use of talking about it when you didn’t think you had one?  _

_ She had me make a list of things I want. I’m just not so sure I’ll be able to have them.  _

* * *

It was the middle of March when Natasha got another lead. You were picked up on a security camera in Arizona with another person. You looked happier than you had in a long time. She wondered if it was intentional or another accident. She decided to keep it to herself until she could determine if it was intentional.

Steve was off on a mission with Bucky and Sam. He wouldn’t be back for another three days. It would be plenty of time for Natasha to figure out if it was something to pursue, if it was you reaching out. 

It was after training the next day that her phone pinged with a message from a number she didn’t recognize. 

_ Unknown: Grand Falls, Arizona. Thursday. 6:30AM _

Natasha almost dropped the phone. She was certain it was a message from you. A follow up had exact coordinates. 

As soon as Steve was home and had debriefed, Natasha was whisking him away to Arizona. It was time to bring their girl home. 

* * *

You set out early with Em, before the sun even began to peak above the horizon. Their long black hair was pulled into a neat braid. You had secured yours away from your face. It would do no good to have your hair getting in your face on the hike to the waterfall. 

“The waterfall is at full force this time of year with the snowmelt. I think it’s the perfect place for this,” they said as the two of you began your trek. You felt anxiety swelling in your gut. You worried they wouldn’t show. Not after nearly five months of no communication, after you left without a word, only FRIDAY to tell them you had left. 

“What if they don’t show?” you asked, a slight waver in your voice. Em smacked your arm. 

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s that those two are head over heels for you. I saw it when I came to visit you,” they said. You frowned. That had been nearly two years ago. Your busy lives made it difficult to visit each other often. Usually it was you making time to go to Arizona, your schedule much more flexible than Em’s. 

“You might want to get your eyes checked there, Em,” you joked. They shook their head, muttering something under their breath. The two of you continued the hike, joking around and catching up. Em’s wedding was coming up in the fall. You were looking forward to it. 

When you reached the viewing point, you gazed in awe at the beauty of the scenery. In all your travels, it was the natural wonders that drew you in the most. Museums and historical sites were nice, but nothing could compete with the untouched beauty of some of the spots you visited. 

“I’ll be leaving you soon. Call me, yeah?” Em asked before they hugged you.

“Of course. Thank you, for everything, Em. I’ll see you in September?” you asked. 

“If you don’t I’ll come drag you back here for my wedding myself,” they teased.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” you replied. You watched as they headed back, waiting until they disappeared from sight before you took out your camera to snap your photos while you waited. 

You were so lost in your thoughts, you didn’t hear someone calling your name. Steve calling your name. You almost jumped when his arms wrapped around you before your brain caught up. Steve was there. Steve was holding you. Steve was crushing you.

“Steve...Steve need to breathe,” you forced out. You heard Natasha laugh as Steve pulled away. 

“Sorry...sorry. It’s...it’s good to see you,” he said as he pulled away. Natasha took an opportunity to steal a hug of her own. The sun was just starting to show its first light on the horizon.

“Yeah. It’s uh, it’s good to see you both too,” you said. 

“Are you ready to come home?” Steve asked. You thought for a moment. Steve was always one to get right to the point. 

“Depends. You want me to?” you replied.

“Always,” Natasha said. 

“We have a lot to talk about,” you said, though it came out as more of a question.

“And we have the time to,” Steve replied. Natasha wrapped an arm around you as Steve wrapped his around you from your other side, the three of you watching the sun rise over the waterfall. 


End file.
